PERSONAL GROWTH IN PRISON: DONNIE IN HIS OWN WORDS
Donnie is serving a Life Without Parole sentence.
There is no external motivation for him to achieve personal growth.
Despite this, Donnie has changed from the boy he was to the man he is.
In prison he kicked his addiction issues, and dedicated his time to reading instead.
Here, he tells is about who he was before prison, who he is now, and who he hopes to be.
HOW MANY OF US REMEMBER SIGNIFICANT PARTS OF OUR EARLY CHILDHOODS?
HOW MANY TRY CONVENIENTLY TO FORGET LARGE PARTS OF THE PAST?
I often cringe inside when I think of the nerdy little kid I used to be.
If I’m honest with myself that nerdy kid is still alive inside.
I’m finally at a point where I’m comfortable with the idea of it.
The problem has never been myself, but the way in which others around me have reacted to that.
When I was very young, I devoured books and other materials that others around me were not.
I don’t know if I was inordinately intelligent or if the people around me were just slackers.
I do know that we didn’t fit together.
No one was there to nurture my interests and help my personal growth.
Instead, I was teased for being interested in the cosmos and technology while my peers and family showed more interest in whatever was popular in the streets.
Like most kids I liked video games, but when it came to my love of all things Star Wars related, I seemed to be on my own.
Others were into comic books and baseball cards; Star Wars was just a different type of nerdiness I guess.
AS I GREW OLDER MY ATTENTION SWAYED IN OTHER DIRECTIONS, BUT THE FOUNDATIONS OF WHO I TRULY AM WAS ALREADY LAID.
Everyone knows how perceptive women and girls can be.
There’s been so many times where one has confided in me that I didn’t fit in with my friends.
I didn’t fit with their idea of how a gang member carried himself.
I was always more reserved than the others around me.
Shy might be the best way to describe me.
I wasn’t the type to become paralyzed by my shyness, but where I could afford to, I often played the background.
Alcohol made me act bolder.
Combine that with my already very direct demeanor and a problem was born.
IF PEOPLE DIDN’T LIKE MY DIRECTNESS WHILE I WAS SOBER, THEY REALLY HATED IT WHEN I WAS DRUNK.
Fortunately I’ve put alcohol behind me.
As for the tough talk, that is still very much me. It is not designed to be malicious or insensitive towards others’ feelings.
It’s more of a desire to reach simple truths.
I hate lying.
I don’t like being lied to, and I’m resentful of others making me feel as if I must lie to them.
Lying makes me feel as if someone has parental power or authority over me.
A grown person needn’t feel that way.
We should all be able to express our truths without fear of reprisals.
Especially sensitive people may not like my approach.
Others appreciate the fact they don’t have to search my words for hidden meanings.
I simply say what I believe whenever I’m speaking.
Growing up in prison has definitely affected my personal growth in ways I’m likely blind to, but it hasn’t warped my morals completely.
I’ve always been a loyal person and have always to be good to those who have been good to me.
THE PROBLEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN SHOWING LOYALTY TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT WORTHY OF IT.
The solution to that problem has been exercising loyalty to myself by separating myself from those who have proved themselves unworthy.
As it stands, that has been virtually everyone I associated with in my teen and early adult years.
Can I lie and say there are no longer any emotional moments there?
No, there’s too much history with some and events which made us closer.
For those I have loved there’s an understanding that it’s okay to love from afar and wish them the best as they hopefully reach a similar place of maturity in their lives as I have.
What does this all mean?
It means that as someone who came into this world with no one and was raised by no one, I now have no friends.
I don’t know if this should frighten or thrill me.
But I know that once free I will need a network of real friends to help me find my new place in my new world.
Most of what I write is simply my subjective experiences, observations, and opinions formed while living and growing up as a member of a racial minority group in America.
It is either the world as I see it or the way I wish it could be.
Instead of the local and global competition we were raised to participate in, the future of our planet and species will hinge upon our ability to work together to solve our common problems.
If anyone out there is listening or paying attention I want them to know:
EMPATHY IS REAL AND IT WORKS.
When we learn to view or treat our neighbors as members of our own families, we desire the best outcomes for them, and what goes around will eventually come back to you.
My contributions to the world and our civilization will always center upon my understanding of the crimes which I committed and those which were committed upon me and my ancestors.
It is not merely a matter of being able to forgive, but of allowing and accepting personal growth.
Once a person or nation matures there’s a recognition of a responsibility which emerges, and which should be nurtured instead of shunned.
As a person who has been to, and experienced the worst places my society has to offer I have unique perspectives on the value of life which others should at least stop to consider before acting rashly or selfishly
I once heard someone say, “the only people who have truly changed the world change the way men thought about themselves”.
I hope to be added to that list one day.
Beyond that I hope to be labelled kind, courteous, considerate, brave, intelligent, caring, and above all passionate about my beliefs.
Instead of simply saying nice things about me I’d want others to tell the hard truths.
Speak about how my directness might seem abrasive to some.
Speak about how I did or did not react to their hurt feelings.
I’M NOT PERFECT, NOR DO I EXPECT THAT I WILL EVER MEET SOMEONE WHO IS.
MY IDEA OF PERFECTION IS MEASURED PERSONAL GROWTH.
I’d hope others would say I’m a better person today than I was yesterday and their trust and faith in me has grown.
